If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Hippo gnu deer
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
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she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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