I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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