Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
