I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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