I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
