I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
