I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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