I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
