I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
