3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
