I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
