Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
