even my farts smell like vagina
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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