YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
