Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
