Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You've changed since you got that strap on
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
