I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
