The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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