We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
