so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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