I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
