I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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