Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
