I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
