the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
