I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you had me at cake vodka
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
