Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
