They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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