Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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