I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
