why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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