Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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