just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
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I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
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The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize