I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I wear drunk well.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize