I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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