I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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