I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
