So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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