Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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