I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
