he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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