nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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