i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize