This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
