just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
