Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
