I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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