my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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