Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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