1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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