Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
