She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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