you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
