My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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