last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
