i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
