Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
